Sunday, March 30, 2008

TOM: A NATIONAL TREASURE








Let no one think this is simply some self-congratulatory blog about one's pal. Nay, I say to thee, nay! Rather, I seek to extol the virtues of my pal Tom this month, as he has just turned 39. Additionally, I would like to promote the talents, skills, and abilities of a true American. 39 is a big age for many reasons. It is truly the end of ones "youthful" years and the beginning of authentic manhood. Carl Jung believed that a man did not even begin to grow into wholeness until 40. Therefore, it's a big age and crossing over the threshold from mere knowledge to wisdom in it's full expression. It is also a great time to reflect and give credit where it is due. To no small measure, Tom has taught me a great deal. He has a great many life-lessons to impart and also has a wonderful capacity for synthesizing complex data into a coherent whole that gets to heart of the matter. One need not look any further than the contents of this blog to get a glimmer of the understanding of his superior intellect. Tom is also my faithful friend and advisor. No matter how crazy or monotonous or tedious my life becomes, Tom is there to listen and offer sound advice 1000 times better than most shrinks and pastors I've consulted with in the past. Tom is a fantastc poker player and a wonderful poet. Tom was the first person I ever knew who read National Review and could, with some manner of authority, tell me the difference between a liberal and a conservative. Tom spent an entire weekend convincing me why I am conservative and why I should vote conservative. I could go on and on. However, I think that no other tribute could better capture what I am attempting to convey better than a collection of the man's own quotes. So without further ramblings, here is the:
BEST OF TOM


TOM ON DONUTS
"You take something that is normally good for you, like bread, and then you deep fry it in saturated fat and later sprinkle sugar on it. This is an idiotic invention."

TOM ON THE LEXUS
"It's All Marketing..."

TOM ON the MICROSOFT CORPORATION
"You can only screw people so many times before they are fed up with it. The market will take care of that company. It's only a matter of time."

TOM ON MAYO
"Oh yeah, I'm going to say, 'Hey, make me a sandwich, put some fat on it and while you're at it make it saturated...' Forget it!"


TOM ON GIVING A GUY A BEATING
Question: "Tom, if I needed help----hypothetically speaking of course-----giving a guy a beating and gave you a very good reason as to why he needed a beating, would you help me?"
Answer: "Does some guy need a beating? The reason is irrelevant. The only thing I need to know is that you think he needs a beating. Therefore, he's getting a beating and I'm more than happy to do my part."


TOM ON T.V. SHOWS BEING MADE INTO MOVIES
"The reason they make this garbage is because it's the only pitch the studio execs understand."

TOM ON PERSONAL FINANCE
"Let's face it, if you're not saving for the future, then you're screwed. The idea that the government can take care of me when I'm old is preposterous. Save 10% of your salary or it's cat food and cardboard boxes for you."


TOM ON THE PLANET OF THE APES REMAKE
"You know this is crap."


TOM ON THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY
"Sure they've got good ideas, but voting for them is not the answer. You might as well vote the communist ticket for all the good it'll do."


TOM ON McCAIN
"That guy...look the last thing we should do is reward this &*(^&%$ for crossing the aisle and selling us out. We don't need any big spending, big government Republicans."



TOM ON HAVING CHILDREN
"It gets to a point and you say, 'it's time'."


TOM ON CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
"Hey! This street is not a construction zone. Go away!"


TOM ON MEN (TO WOMEN WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT MEN)
"That's just the way they are made. If men weren't the way they are, then there would be no human race, it's just that simple."


TOM ON EX-WIVES
"If you let them get away with it once, you'll pay for it for the rest of your life. You've got to hang tough...believe me you'll never regret it."


TOM ON CRUSTACEANS and PORK
"They're filters."


TOM ON A QUITE RETIREMENT IN THE COUNTRY
"Look, you'll get out there and you'll shoot every gun, fish with every pole, and see every tree. Three weeks later you'll be saying, 'Where's the Internet connection?'"


TOM ON WOMEN
"They're reason enough."

6 comments:

Tom said...

Thanks Pally. You make me more articulate than I remember.

Anonymous said...

I recall walking around a mall with Mr. Stamper before his move to Florida. As we were walking down the hall, a large woman forced Tom one way and me the other way. Tom retorted, "Old, fat ladies don't yield for nobody." Ah, words to live by.

Dude said...

Tom on a 70-car PILEUP on a foggy South Carolina morning:
"It all started with one guy who thought he could see through anything."

E said...

Tom also speaks in paragraphs:

"People have used science to support the idea of evolution. The fact that we consider science pure and without fault is a very powerful tool among those who want to control us. The problem is that you need scientists to prove
science and they are human beings like the rest of us that can be molded like clay. Unless you can do the independent analysis yourself you are always at the
mercy of someone that might have an agenda. You can't use reason to decifer science, because you have to rely on the findings and conclusions of other people.

"If they build a toaster and put it in front of you and toast some bread then you know it is a toaster. Anybody can look at the evolution data and draw different conclusions, because the data is open to interpretation. A toaster is a toaster by anyone's measure. You are making the logical fallacy of concluding that anything a scientist studies is by nature science and not philosophy. If that were the case then science wouldn't have been bleeding George
Washington with leeches. You cannot know whether their studies are pure science or politics, because you can only interpret their credibility based on your guess work."

Anonymous said...

I recall talking to Tom about my opposition to gays getting extra rights just for being gay. Tom added, "that's right. You shouldn't get extra rights just because of where you want to stick your dick."

Anonymous said...

Back in high school we were talking about girls and dating. Tom said, "If you want to know what a girl will look like in 20 years, look at her mom." Roseanne Barr unavailable for comment.

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