Junto Boys

ALEXANDER THE GRATUITOUS

In reality, the movie proved not so much scandalous as boring. The problem with Stone's lurid sexual narrative is not his historical inaccuracies, but the movie's obsession with sexual intrigue, which causes much of Alexander's amazing story to be lost.

Now I haven't seen the movie, so I am not a position to critique it. However, circa 1995, my gay mentor (who was helping me get sober, and only incidentally helping me love gays -- well, you know what I mean) gave me the book to read on which much of Stone's movie was probably based. It was historical fiction featuring a prominent storyline involving, if I remember right, Alexander's homosexual relationship with his servant boy. I forget the name of the book. I guess it was supposed to be a tender love story, the soft side of the bloodthirsty imperialist. What I remember most clearly is that the book sucked. As homosexual propaganda, maybe it worked, but as book, it sucked. Here's the thing: sure, the lewdness will stir up your helpful controversy and your advance press, but to get your $150m at the box office, the story needs to be interesting and the movie, as a movie, needs to be good. If the story is not interesting and the movie not good, the lewdness just comes across as all the more gratuitous.

This is why I still resent THE ENGLISH PATIENT. Everybody said Oh, such a beautiful movie, Oh, I was riveted, Oh, I can't wait to see it again. So I went to see it, and that was one of the sorriest movies I ever wasted what seemed like 5 hours on. Maybe it was great as visual art, but as a movie it sucked. I know my fellow juntoers are movie guys, and I'm sure you watch movies differently than I do, but for my part, I saw so many lame movies in a row that for years I have pretty much only gone to see James Bond installments and otherwise I watch the old black and white classics on video.

Alexander's legacy is agreed: he kicked a-- and took names. Make the movie he left you with or call it something else. It sounds to me like Stone has added nothing to the historical discourse and brings nothing new and interesting to the table except perhaps that you can always squeeze in a little more under an R rating.